32: First Chapter Analysis with Guest Alden T Burgess

What you do in film, like you call it an

overhead, like so I need to know where everybody is. Oh, and so I

draw that out and like draw out their action. An awful

illustrator, but it's like, oh my god, I can understand like,

my my chicken scratch, but it kind of gives me a relation to

everything. And once I have that, I find the scene much

easier to write.

Welcome to the writing pursuits podcast, where authors

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pursuits and write and produce the weekly newsletter writing

pursuits tips for authors. In addition, I am a speculative

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seeking encouragement, information and inspiration,

this podcast is for you. Let's get to it. Hey, writing pursuits

authors. Welcome back to the podcast. For those of you who

are new, I want to extend a special welcome. My name is

Kathrese McKee, and I'm glad you're here. Please leave a

comment a star rating and follow the show to help others find

writing pursuits. Today, I'm thrilled to have all in T

Burgess as my guest and we will be discussing his debut novel

called The illusion crystals. So let me introduce him to you all.

Ben Burgess is a writer and filmmaker based in Western

Massachusetts. He grew up in Greensboro, North Carolina, and

later attended Rockport College in Maine. His short films chance

and what is she to you? won numerous awards when he is not

working are looking after his two children. He can be found in

the kitchen trying to ferment anything he can get his hands

on. That's good for you. Right? And if he's not there, he's out

on a hike with his dog taco. Alden is currently working on a

young adult science fantasy novel entitled, The illusion

crystals. All then welcome to Writing pursuits. Thank you for

being with me. What do you been doing lately?

Um, well, I've been writing. And I went for a

nice walk with taco this morning. Awesome. But in the

past week, I had a week off. Because it was my my kids break.

So we went to see my folks, which is really nice.

Okay, wow. Well, let's weather like, because here, it's

creeping up to the 90s. This week.

It's in the 30s right now. Down, get really

cold, and it's been really windy. So hopefully though, I

think by the weekend is supposed to get back up to the 70s. Like,

oh, I can't believe it. So, I was wondering, because

you're calling this a science fantasy? Ya. Um, well, how did

you get the idea for this book?

Um, so basically, you know, I was out on a bike

ride. And I was just kind of thinking about borders, and

like, kind of like, like, how borders go and in the countries

and like, you know, kind of how, who decides who can cross what

border, right? And then I started thinking about our solar

system. And I was like, Well, what if we didn't know there was

a border once we crossed over into something else out there.

And so in from there, I was like, Well, what if they, you

know, just kind of started playing these What if games with

with my head like on this ride? And then I was like, Well, what

if what if they were like, something out there like a

border patrol almost out there. And they're like, oh, wow,

sucking the life out of you. And that's kind of had like, kind of

came to this like Vampire idea. And that okay, and that's, from

there. I just the ball sort of rolling on like, well, what if

there was more like kind of fantasy creatures out there and

a lot of what we thought were myths that we grew up with, like

elves and dwarves and vampires, you name it, those were actually

aliens from another planet long ago, and that like for you know,

these were different creatures in for like, you know, early

man, they tried to explain it. And that's where those myths

came from.

Right. It was our, our verbal history, but we just

thought it was like fiction. It was stories you tell around the

campfire? Yes. And a thing. Oh, okay, I love that. So how does

your time in film make your filmmaking affect the way you

write.

Um, I'd say for myself, like a lot of time,

especially when there's a lot of characters, a lot of action on

the screen, or on the on the page, I need to like, kind of

map it out. And like what I would what you do in film, like

we call like, an overhead, like, so I need to know where

everybody is, oh, and so I draw that out and like, draw out

their action, an awful illustrator, but it's like, oh,

I can understand like, my, my chicken scratch, but it kind of

gives me a relation to everything. And once I have

that, I find the scene much easier to write. And then I can

kind of picture where the action is going, if there's a

spacecraft flipping over, or something I can like, Alright,

who's going to be affected by that? Where's the explosion, and

like, all those little details that can helps me kind of map

that out.

A lot of authors lose track of that.

It's hard, because especially when you have

like, five or six characters sitting around a table or doing

something. You want to make sure everybody is in relationship.

And like when you're talking to people, there's always a side

conversations. Sometimes that might happen, or like there's a

lot of a lot of stuff going on at once that you kind of have to

keep up with.

And I agree. Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

Yeah, one of the other things, I think, that has

helped, like filmmaking wise, they always tell you to give

good people business, give them something to do. And so I try to

always look to people just don't always just stand around and

talk. You know, you got to have them like, you know, scrubbing

the dishes, or doing whatever, and then having that going on in

the background while they're having this conversation. And

that gives you as a writer, if they get frustrated, they can

slam a dish down gives you something to do gives the

character something to act off of as well, often, and

it shows to in your manuscript, I can tell that

you're used to doing that. It's kind of like, I guess, blocking

in theater, where they're telling you to stand and what to

be doing at that time. And there's some, some Japanese, a

cartoonist, and I'm trying to remember its animation. And for

the life of me, his name isn't coming to me, but he's very well

known for anywhere you look in the frame, something's going on,

which is very unusual. Most of the time, everything's pretty

static in the background. In real life, unless you're

controlling it, like this environment, where the dog might

bark, but that's pretty much the only dynamic thing that might go

on in the background. Then sorry, there's Lunas bite in the

screen. But anyway, she'll turn around in a minute. I'm sure

she'll adjust. But unless you're in a controlled environment,

there's, it's everything's dynamic. Everything's fluid,

everything's in motion. So good to good to be thinking about.

And it's a really good tip, actually, for other writers to

kind of scope out where people are, what they're involved in

doing. You don't have to show it. But you need to know it and

that way you can, if you need to communicate it. It's there. It's

already ready. Cool. I really liked that. So let's get into

the topic for today, which is your first chapter. Okay, I want

to read the back cover copy, and your logline, and then we'll get

into the first page on screen and have a look at the first

chapter rubric as well. So, back cover copy, Earth is in

shambles. humanity's last hope is aboard. The interstellar

spaceship celebration, which I find is a very ironic name.

Stuck aboard is Palmer bridges a teenage Cook, who's been let

down too many times. And too many times to trust anyone all

power knows is cooking and cleaning for this the ship's

elite passengers with another 15 monotonous years ahead of him.

Palmer's desperate for a change and gets more than he bargained

for when Extra Terrestrial vampires captured the

celebration, determined to survive, get his brother back

and free everyone. Palmer teams up with a ragtag group of elves,

fairies and dwarves, who to his surprise are real, but nothing

like the old myths from his childhood, embracing his destiny

Palmer is on the path to stop an evil aliens rise to dominance.

Until a forgotten relics power is unleashed, forcing him to

confront his own beliefs. So good, cool. I like the way you

set the stage. logline, a teenage cook on an interesting

hour on an interstellar spaceship if I could just read

Musk battle for his life and save the last remnants of

humanity from the sinister alien he's prophesied to kill so good

job okay. Why don't you read it all in

my hands are red. A wipe them on my apron but all

I do is make a mess. Five minutes in I'm already faced and

I'm already facing a demerit. You kill a vampire. I hear Gomez

laugh. Yeah, I say back by saying get back to it. With his

awful mustache. It's hard to look his way. We're not friends,

because it's not worth making friends out here. But he's all

right. Over my shoulder is Tinker he's always within my

say. After every everything we've been through. I don't

blame them. Watching his little hands drawn Sketchpad makes me

smile. Like Nana always says, family looks after family. No

one else gives a crap. And from what I've seen, she's writing

everyone's out for themselves. You see this Hugo says Gomez

bomber has been staking vampires because your red handed he

blurts out a goofy laugh. We have gloves so as Hugo he walks

over and leans in. You know how it is around here that make you

wear hairnet for that mop of a head of yours. Do the same for

your hands. If you don't the mark is lanky body jiggles with

laughter. You go always last before he makes a joke. Not as

bad as those hands. Beat it guys. I say hold up two fingers

to ease a whisper and grab another cray. I want to do my

work and get out of here without losing my cool. Unlike last

week. When to kill a vampire. You get bloodier than that. an

unmistakable voice rails out. I tense up Loulan Fada. He didn't

say much. But when Lou speaks people listen. It's more than

his deep voice or how he lumbers around like an overgrown bear.

He commands your attention. I try to avoid them as much as

possible, which is tough because he's my boss. With their pale

skin and yelloweye to suck the life out of you more than their

fangs lose big bush big bushy red hair, beard wavers in the

light. As he gazes off in the distance, the steak would kill

him, but put a stake through the heart of anything and it dies.

Well, it's got nothing to do with it either. Cutting off

their heads always a good way to go. If you can grab hold of

their greasy hair. Nothing's worse than thinking you have a

vamp down for the count down and they slip out and come back at

you. Once they get the center of your blood, they'll know it

forever. Lou looks at me. Remember that? My hair stands on

it. He says it was such certitude. I almost I'm almost

convinced. What he's saying is true. It reminds me of these

bedtime stories my mom used to tell all about fairies and elves

fighting evil vampires and goblins. I believed them. I know

better now. You could never trust anything she says. She

said. Who's full of it, too. How do you know so much about

vampires? You got blood stained hands. Go my Gomez gives me a

wink. Blood doesn't stain your hands says Lou. It always washed

it out. It's the memory that stains. He snaps his head to

Gomez and Hugo back to your stations. They scurry away and

Luke turns to me. And when you're done with the beats Clean

yourself up. I don't want to waste time writing to mirror and

put away all that produce the ACT drop off who takes two steps

and no hover lift. Mothers mutters to himself about not

being ready as he walks off. I roll my eyes no hover lift.

Whether it's lifting a 50 pound bag of busy veggies or chopping

them loose always makes me do everything by hand. The ship is

filled with all these cool gadgets that the rest of the

kitchen crew gets to use. Not me. Whenever I complain, he says

I need to build my strength or sharpen my knife skills makes me

laugh as if any of those things will come in handy.

That always makes me laugh because like it's like a

self fulfilling prophecy. I always come to those sentences

and books on how might you do that? Yes, you just you just

cursed yourself. Okay, so well done. I am going to say that

basically the hook lasts until about the end of the first

chapter where he's he's holding up two fingers to ease BEAT IT

guys To ease, you know, like it's an you know, he's making a

joke, or upon a chapter rubric is actually split into two

parts, there's a section on just the hook alone. So all I'm doing

is looking at the first page, as if I'm an editor or an agent.

And sometimes that's all the time you get is just that first

page, and it starts down the page a little bit, I actually

even put a few, like, about a third of the way down the page.

So that kind of shorten too much time to make your impression.

And overall, I think it's really, really strong. So here

we go. This is the table of contents on the rubric. And in

the hook, I'm looking at five things point, our promise, which

is of conflict, answers to questions, a satisfying story to

come. All those things, you're aware of what a promise is, and

the point of view. And I'm hoping that I'll meet the main

character, which happens, which is great setting, tone and mood,

and genre. So on those things, and I'm going to go down to the

hook section, the very first thing, and I didn't know what

your length was, I couldn't remember the word count, you may

have told me, is that approximately 70,000

Or, I don't know, I'm like it. Like this. I'm

working on my third revision right now. My second draft was

114,000. Okay,

you know, that's, that's okay. For science

fiction, fantasy. Ya. So you're right in the ballpark, you can

go that long without raising any eyebrows. So, you know, you

know, it's just how onpoint is it? You know? And do they want

the whole story? So

I'm trying to cut it down by about 20% is my goal

with this draft? Okay, just to make it tighter? Yeah, just to

make it tighter, and it's already coming down. Okay.

So on, on each of the pages. There's like this rubric.

And it has four sections. It's underdeveloped. Fair, good. And

Excellent. Excellent, is ridiculously hard. Like the hook

is likely to be quoted from now on, you know, kind of like the

first line of Pride and Prejudice or, you know, people

put it on their bookmarks and T shirts, you know, so, yeah, I

kind of made it kind of hard to do that. I think you might be

able to do that with Andy Weir, but you'd have to be okay with

swearing. His book, but uh, we're the first one anyway, the

hook is original and interesting. So I put you in the

good category, which is great. Immediately questions are raised

in the readers mind is some form of conflict is clear. And there

is a promise of a satisfying story. readers want to keep

reading they are hooked. So in your first paragraph, you

already hint at conflict five minutes in and I'm already

facing a demerit. Ah, you know, so that tells me that there's

some tension going on. He's, you know, there, there's a little

bit of tension going on. Plus, we know that we're not friends

because it's not worth fourth making friends out here. But

he's all right. You have the saving grace here where he's

concerned about some little kid. It's not easy to tell that his

his his brother, I might counsel you to say, watching my little

arm. My brother's little hands draw on a sketchpad makes me

smile. Okay. Or my younger? My younger brother's hands. I don't

know how little he is. Because he's nine. Yeah, so, you know,

he might consider him little because he's 15. So anyway, so

the very first thing you get in the conflict, and that's one of

the things I'm looking for. Also, you've raised a lot of

questions just in that first page. My questions were Why does

Palmer believes it's not worth making friends? You know, who

heard Him and you kind of get the idea that it's probably his

mom. But anyway, why did his Nan teach him that no one else

besides family gives a crap. That's like a family motto. So

So how old are are all these guys approximately? Why is

Tinker permitted in the kitchen? And why are there demerits so

those are great questions for them for for me to have right

away. I want to know what the answers are. That's the purpose

of a hook is you've made a promise I'm going to answer

these questions. And and I think you're well on the way by The

end of the chapter to get in most of these questions, then

then you've raised others. So there's also signs of conflict,

especially inner conflict. Nobody cares. I can't trust

anybody. And I got in a fight last week, you know, believable

dialogue among the guys who are present. So you're really strong

on your promise of a satisfying Sorry. Okay, the next section

point of view. You have any questions about that one? No,

that's okay. All right. So point of view, again, you're in the

good section. This section is only for point of view within

the opening line. So I'm going to look at the whole chapter

here. I'm just looking at the hook. So it's not an overall

point of view assessment. But your choice of first person

present tense works very well for the story and your genre of

why a for whatever reason, people kind of like the first

person and you've intensified it a bit with present tense some

people like that. I'm okay with it. One of the people that does

it very successfully, was I believe, Suzanne Collins with

the Hunger Games, is written that way. And you know, she

reaches out her hand and the bed is cold. And, and she she's

straight there, right in Katniss, his point of view, and

she never strays, never strays. So you stay in Palmer's head,

and the readers get a strong sense of an outsider who's just

trying to get by, and possibly has a big chip on his shoulder.

Now he is protective of Tinker, but in no hurry to make friends.

So really great, right out of the box characterization, a

strong point of view, very believable, 15 year old guy, in

my experience, so

that's great. All right. Setting this is the only this is the

only thing I'm gonna do on really is setting it's minimal

and basic right in the hook. And the setting adds no flavor to

the opening, the reader needs more information to understand

the context. And what I'm going to say is, you know, when you're

making a film, you have an opening shot, and you get about

what, 30 seconds. Yeah, maybe. But, you know, if you were

planning this as a movie, it would start out and you would

see maybe the exterior of the spaceship, as it's going through

space, then you know where you are to, then you would get into

the quarters, and you maybe follow the roadies down the

hallway. And then you would go to the kitchen. And there's

already maybe we'd open with a chop, chop, chop, chop, chop,

chop, chop and his hands are grows. And you would know that

he's chopping beets, and he's in a in a chips, galley. But

whatever you would do to kind of maybe, and then maybe pan out to

the cafeteria or people to streaming in. And they're

probably well dressed. I mean, they got on their uniform or

whatever, they got their spacesuit, but you can tell

they're kind of wealthy, as opposed to the scrubs in the

kitchen. You know, so you've already started. But that's all

in the that opening sequence where you said absolutely

nothing. So I was thinking maybe, because you don't have

the luxury of that in your very first thing is maybe we could do

this thing where Give, give a label there at the very

beginning of the chapter, right between chapter one and the

where, you know, kind of like that's what the ISS the

international space station uses to coordinate time zones because

they've got people from all over the world. They've done mission

controls from various places in the world. And you know, and I

didn't know if it was USF because, you know, that stands

for United States ships. So who knows what it really says. But

anyway, you kind of see that on its whole and but I was thinking

that maybe that would be a shorthand way to establish that

you're maybe in space. The other thing I thought maybe would be

very easy to do. Also to set the setting is to mention the

hydroponics deck or the Ag deck because you wreck it you you use

ag you know later they brought produce right and he's assigned

to the tiller. So beat it guys. And I grabbed another crate from

the celebrations hydroponics deck or from celebrations ag

deck, because I'm going to go process some more beats. Yeah,

that makes sense. But that

just just You just slide it in there. We don't need

any more information than that. But that gives you the idea that

you're on a ship. And they have hydroponics for some reason,

some be probably in space. And if they skip the stupid cover

with, with the actual description, hey, it's on this

interstellar spaceship, and they haven't looked at the cover,

which has, you know, a spaceship or whatever. If they don't have

any of those context clues, if somebody's just reading an audio

book, or listen to an audiobook, they get a get at least some

clues. So that would be my my recommendation is just slide

something in there. You know? Okay, because you don't have a

lot of time in the hook. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and I can kind of

see that it's coming up to the dinner hour. But anyway, um, and

Okay, so tone and mood that the hook sets a clear tone and mood,

the word choices and phrasing, original engaging. readers feel

confident that they'll enjoy the experience because of the

author's tone and the emotions they feel at the beginning, make

them look forward to getting on with the story. And I really

feel that's true. Immediately, you feel the tension in the main

character. The reader wants understand and sympathize with

Palmer, because you can tell he hasn't had an easy life. But he

still wants to get by and take care of his brother. So you

know, he's relatable. So pony mood, I think you hit it. And

you might think of it is a little bit different. He seems a

little depressed. Not quite happy. And certain and

standoffish. So you've, you've set that kind of emotional tone.

And that's fine. That's what you want, right? Yeah. Yeah. So,

okay, genre, there's a hint of which genre the book is in. If

you're not looking at the cover, and you're not looking at the

back, because you've obviously, like told them, but you might

want to just make it perfectly clear, they are on a spaceship.

And I think that that would be great. And I and I said, I

really hope they're going to be vampires or something worse, but

you've assured me there are going to be so if I started on

the front page, and I got down to where they're talking about

vampires, like, like Luke was talking about them, like he's

seen them and fought them before. So I'm really hoping

that it's true. And that, or at least he's seen film or video.

You know, so Anyway, okay, so let's go back. And let's go

through another section. I think this is really strong start. And

that's the only thing I'm being in you on is, is because I want

you to just make it clear, make it really clear. And that's a

really easy fix. That it's really easy fix. Writing

pursuits is run by Kathrese. McKee, who has been trusted by

level of excellence. Guthrie's is a three story methods

certified editor who specializes in story diagnostics, coaching,

and line editing to help you prepare your story for the

journey ahead. For more information, go to writing

pursuits.com. The link is in the show notes. And now back to the

podcast. If you want, I can read the next section then you can

read the last section. That works. Okay, we got through

makes me laugh as if those things will come in handy. Okay,

so what we're skipping here for our viewers is they kind of have

this thing where they're going to have a dartboard but they're

going to use knives on the final round, which is totally against

the rule. Before they get to that point.

They get interrupted because the boss walks up. Okay, and he says

breaks over. But in the interim, you you learn that Palmer has a

knife that he carries at all times, which is totally against

the regs, but he's got it and he keeps it with him and always

hidden, but he thinks about it because it would be perfect for

throwing. Anyway. Brakes over says Lu his eyes narrow in on

me. Palmer Your turn. My body turns to stump hope come on,

man. I want to hide it's the worst job in the kitchen.

Birthday duty. Before going back under the roadies. Get a slice

of cake for the birthday they missed while asleep. It's the

only sweet thing they get. They love it if their slice isn't big

enough. And it never is. They explode at you. It takes every

ounce of energy not to snap back. Can one of you go with me?

I look around and no one will meet my eyes. I knew they

weren't my friends. Quit your whining says Lou. I grab the

cake cart and walk out. Hurry up says short dude with a buzzcut.

I remind myself that they've been in hypersleep for the past

year, and by this point in the week, you're cranky, but the

tension in my body remains on the other side of the room is

the kids table. Their gold coveralls are in sharp contrast

to the roadies bright red. You're not supposed to but I

grab a couple of the biggest slices and bring it over to

them. Their kids. They need joy in their life. And for a brief

moment life is normal. The roadies yell about it. But I

block them out. Share I say they smile and nod. Thanks Palmer.

Since a little girl as I walk over to dole out the rest. It's

a sight to take in. No one misses cake day. The place is

packed out with over 200 roadies, the bright lights and

shouts combined with an antiseptic smell that protrudes

from the roadies make me dizzy. I study myself on the cart, but

it doesn't help. I want that one. No, wait, I want that one

says a tall, pasty boy. You better give me a good piece as a

blonde girl with her hair pulled back so tight. It makes her

eyelids pop up and hey, I know you. I shut her tailored Jordan.

I remember her She's awful. I thought I had left her in that

place behind. My legs could move if my legs could move. I would

run. You're that loser from school says Taylor. Everyone

laughs and something in me clicks like a switch. Loser.

I've had it. I'm tired of being pushed around. I'm tired of no

respect. My muscles squeeze until I'm like a stone. I know I

should let it go. But I don't want to island it all out. You

want this piece I shout this one right here. I grabbed the

biggest piece of cake on the plate and shove it into my

mouth. It's sickly sweet and I don't like it. But I eat it all.

Ah come on you big beard freak. I hear over the din of a crowd.

Or is it this one? I smash it with my fists or this I pound

another two steps of two sets of arms grabbed me from behind

security. If they're light blue coveralls didn't give them way

down events. My feet sweat a lot and I never changed my socks.

foul smell would Ackerman his silent kite sidekick is with him

to Palmer bridges. Why am I not surprised, says Donovan. He

wipes frosting from my hands and sticks it into his big mouth. Do

any of you have a birthday today? I squirm, but the gift

squad tighten sir grips. Boos bounce off the metal floors and

walls. Give it arrest says Donovan Ackerman leans into my

ear. You're lucky we're here. His breath smells Oh, it smells

like onions. They would have torn you apart. Taylor builds

out. palm branches falling down, falling down, falling down.

Everyone joins in palm prints are falling down. Big Fat loser.

They slam their fists on to the table in their perfect shiny

teeth glared me. I smile. Got them. That's enough, says Lou.

The whole place comps Gomez here go divide the rest of the cake.

Lou turns the roadies, there'll be something extra tomorrow. He

turns to security. I'll take him from here. Let me make sure that

I have sorry.

Okay. I'll take him from here. Donovan and Ackerman released me

and I walk back to the kitchen with Lou as we cross into the

gap back into the galley. The last continue another rotation

where I look like a loser again. At least there are only two days

until they go back under. Maybe they'll forget about it by the

time they wake up next year. What were you thinking since

Lou? I want to say I wasn't that they started it that everything

sucks. I don't want to do this anymore. That I'm a stupid cog

in a stupid will that I have no say in my life and nothing

matters because nothing is ever going to change. But I'm lonely

and everything is hopeless. Instead I looked down, no. Loo

leans over and puts a hand on my shoulder. We've all been dealt a

crappy hand laddie. He tosses me a hand towel, clean yourself up

and tackle those dishes. Wait. Luke takes out the coin that he

always carries He's got this whole ritual. He clears his

throat, shakes out his hands and carefully places the coin on his

flipping thumb and gives me a nod. Like I have any say in

what's about to happen. He never says what the options are. He

flips tells you I can't decide if he's already made up his mind

and the coin is out. Like you can't get mad at me it's the

coin or the coin is his mastering. He must do whatever

it says. Both are pathetic. He flips catches it and takes a

look deep clean tonight. I not so much for keeping my head

down. I wish I could go home but that doesn't exist. I wish I

could get off the ship but there's nowhere to go. As he

leaves he mumbles fates a cruel mistress. Great fate is against

me as well. That means no hope that there is nothing new I gave

up any hope long ago. Wow, okay. I'm sorry, man got a scratchy

throat or something. So very entertaining, it keeps moving.

That bit was Taylor I just want to anyway, she's all winter. So

let's flip over to the rubric again and go on to the next

section. So you stay in the point of view. The POV type

intents are good choice for the audience reader enjoys the

narrator's distinctive voice and is prepared to root for the

character because they are shown to be relatable. Amen to that.

It's good. There are a couple of places where you go shallow. And

they kind of stick out to me on page five. Okay. You say I

shudder Taylor Jordan, I remember her. That kind of goes

without saying you just said her name. And then she's awful.

That's fine. I thought I had left her in that place behind if

my legs could move I would run. That's That's good. That's what

I wanted to say. Everyone laughs and something in me clicks like

a switch loser. Right here. I think you could get rid of this.

You can leave it. It's in his voice. But I think you did lose,

leave it out. And and he says loser my muscles squeezed until

I'm like a stone. I should let it go. But I let it all out.

Without saying I know. But I don't want to. If you could get

rid of maybe those two phrases and leave the rest that would

work. But I think it becomes more impactful. My muscles

squeezing until I'm like a stone. I should let it go. But I

let it all out. You want this piece? I shout. So it that's and

I mean, don't take it don't take it hard because it's very, yeah,

it is a little tighter in it gets that get rid gets rid of

that shallow point of view. I love I love this part where he

wipes the frosting from my hands and sticks it into his mouth.

Okay, okay. Um, and I did want to speak to you about this, but

we may come to that, we may come back to that. All right. So

let's get back to the thing. There are a couple places where

you go shallow. That's one of them. I remember I've had it

blah, blah, blah. Okay. That's all I needed to say about that.

I did put in a little note about laugh. If you search on laugh,

you're going to find it several places. Okay, I would see how

much I can get rid of that. And just use it when it makes the

most impact. You know? So and it's something I would notice,

because I'm an outsider come into it for the first time.

Yeah, but you won't notice it because you've been in it for a

while.

That's the beauty of having somebody look at it. All right

setting. I think that you became it became clear as the thing

went on. For one thing, their insults and so forth, echoed

off, they're banging their fists and echoes off the metal floor,

the metal, everything. So you get a sense again, that they're

on the spaceship. And by that time, it's pretty clear. The

reader needs the context. Okay, I already said that. You have

the law. The choice of the galley is where you really, you

really hit a Homer, the choice of the opening setting is

representative of the protagonist. I don't think you

could have chosen a better place. It's the opening setting

is perfect for your main character to show who Palmer is

and his normal world which is the next section. I wish there

was a way to communicate the stardate but the reader will

come to their own conclusions. So no worries on that, um, you

know, maybe going too hard science fiction instead of

science fantasy, which I love that distinction. I like that. I

think it's a good a good way to communicate what you're aiming

at. Okay, the normal world characters normal world, and

their place in it are communicated in a clear before

snapshot, you know who he is, by the first half of the first

chapter, you know where he fits in that ecosystem. You know,

he's just a young guy who's chopping beets in the galley and

trying to take care of his brother, and you sympathize and

relate to his conflicts, wants and needs. So you made him stand

for a standoffish and conflict and complicated and still

relatable, that's really great. Then you persecute him. And one

thing we're gonna skip is the prophecy but you fit in a

prophecy and take away the spoiler alert, take away the

only memento from his mother off to a great start. Shandra let's

go on to the next section and read that we're on page 12 now,

and we're gonna say, start with this and this is tinker. They're

in their compartment, their little bitty apartment

compartment where the brothers stay together. So this is Tinker

speaking. You want to do this or you want me to do it. Yeah, I

can do it. Okay, great.

All right. I saw what you did. He says, You

scared me. He's not angry, but disappointed. And that's worse

than a punch in the gut. I'm sorry. Promise me you won't get

like that again. I know. I wish it was that simple. Look at the

time. I need to hurry. You. You ever mentioned the knife to

Gomez? Tinker shakes his head? No. You know I'd never do that.

I not but I'm not sure how to how to handle this. It's good to

tinker. It's good. Tinker didn't say anything. But how did Gomez

know about it? It's gotta be about the dark game. I grabbed

my knife and look overall the handle look I've done a hundreds

hundreds of times before. There's all these intricate

carvings. It's like nothing I've ever seen. We have to keep it a

secret because our ringer chimes and I shoved the knife into my

pocket as the door slides open. Said price stands with a

dissatisfied vice principal grin. He's a head shorter than

me, which makes it easy to see the ball his bald spot through

his short gray hair. He straightens his sleeves as

jacadi wears over his light blue jumper. We're in a climate

controlled ship. The only reason he wears a jacket is to make

sure everybody notices the three stripes on the left arm that

scream Look at me. I'm the big boss over insecurity. I'm not

impressed. Mr. Bridges says price. You're not an easy man to

track down. I suppress a laugh. I'm in my room. yours and your

brother glances at Tinker. You're supposed to be at work. I

shrug? I needed to change a smirks your clothes are the only

thing that needs to change Uranus. You need a serious

attitude adjustment The captain will see to it. The captain bite

my tongue. I have been in trouble before, but I've never

had to see the captain. No more demerits for use as price. We

need a whole new system. I snore Gomez's rate, I put my hands in

my pocket and touch the nice hill. It's someone coming for

me. No, it can't be the only one counting for me. It's price.

He's had it out for me ever since the day we met. You never

believe tinker and me when we told him we didn't know how we

got a board on board. It's not his fault. We're here and either

is losing my cool. The roadies egged me on. He clears his

throat passengers. Brody's passengers, Same difference.

Everybody calls them that because 200 of them rotate out

of hypersleep for a week before going back under yet nothing

changes for the crew. We're stuck in the summer camp from

hell fine. I cross my arms the passengers egged me on take it

up with the captain first thing in the morning. What's that in

your pocket? Why is pop and I slammed my hands in my pocket.

Nothing. I've got to go to back to work. And it over says price

here feels heavy. Like a like a bull. I suck in and shoot air

back with force. I'm ready to charge. Hand it over. No one

takes my knife for me. I grip the handle and squeeze it until

my knuckles are white. Palmer says, tinker and look over to

tinker his eyes, please, my shoulders relax. A good price

and the knife by the handle. You know, you can't have this kind

of contraband on the ship. It looks at that knife and shakes

his head. What does this blade to you? He would never

understand. I'm mad at her. But that doesn't mean I want to lose

the only link I have left. I swallow my thoughts and shrug.

You can get it when we land process. Until then, you'll be

locked away in my desk, he walks out will be an old man, my 30s

Male after life is hopeless. all I had for my mom was that stupid

knife and now it's gone. It's like everything that brings me

joy gets taken away. Or leaves.

Awesome. Okay, so I think that's a good cliffhanger.

We want to know if he gets the knife back. It was in the

prophecy that we skipped over. And you know, I didn't want to

do all spoilers. But anyway, he's, there's a prophecy and it

mentions the knife. And now all of a sudden, it's gone. So you

did a good job of showing the knife in the drawer, or I guess

in his pocket. Before all this before this scene, or this part

of the scene happens. So good. It wasn't a surprise thing that

came up. And we got a glimpse of it. It sounds fascinating with

the relics. I mean, the stuff, you know, the carvings on it. So

I think all of that is very strong. And I love your

characterization of Sid price. wearing the jacket even on a

climate controlled ship, because he just wants to show off is

like that's or status, whatever it is. Very well done. Look at

me. I'm the big boss ever insecurity. I'm not impressed.

Everybody has those feelings. Everybody understands that

particular like, you know, roll your eyes. Kennedy this guy.

Yeah, this guy. We've all met that guy, right. So the genre is

and I didn't highlight a section I should have. I, I love this

chapter. And so I would put it right on the line. Good and

excellent. I've never read a book quite like it so good. You

know, you've done something really great. But at the same

time, You've honored the tropes. The ones that I spotted, are

Lou, the mentor who knows too much about vampires to make

anyone comfortable. And so nobody believes him. But at the

same time. It's, you know, it makes Palmer's hair stand on in

go mass a surprise mistake who's unaware of his powers? So that

was good. Taylor Jordan. You know, I wrote this I kind of

think she dies. But maybe she will be one of the core team

members. Who knows, you know, the reluctant ally? I don't

know. But it brings up another question. So what's going to

happen to her because obviously highlighted her in her main girl

spirit. And then you have Tinker the vulnerable younger brother.

And I know that's not actually a trope, but it's a really good

tool in your tool belt, and it gives you a lever to work on

your main character with so great. And then the roadies,

which I mean, they seem like zombies to me. There's a little

bit of an undead air about them that do have some things in

common. So I'm just kind of hoping that they you know,

somebody turns but anyway. The captain, why do I think he won't

make it? Anyway, the head of security? Yeah, those are just

figures that you expect to see on a spaceship. So you've

honored that the ship headed away from a dying planet, very

dystopian. Their destination, and I love the way you fit that

in Planet jackass. And I mean, New Earth, whatever it is. So we

expect them to have a dream planet waiting for them. That's

kind of a trope, that they're headed towards paradise or their

new home. They hope it's going to be perfect. You know, we have

Palmer the underdog hero in her safe interstellar spaceship A

must you know for what you're doing here. And then the knife

and unexpectedly called gift from Palmer's mother? Is it a

magical relic redefined out? I don't know if that's the relic

you had in mind. But it is very interesting and obviously put it

kind of at the center of the conflict. So were there other

tropes that you are trying for or that I didn't catch?

That's a good question.

And it's okay. If you mentioned something that comes

up later.

Yeah, I'm trying to trying to think if there's

what you know, you have mentioned some, actually,

you mentioned commonly held beliefs about vampires.

Yes, they do. Like there's, like a, it's, it's

hard for me to keep it straight. What's in the first chapter

verses? Right. Right. Right. This is the rest.

You've brought them up first thing, and I didn't even

mention it, you know?

Yeah. And so then we'll, and I play with those

tropes later on. When we meet people like Phil, tell you what

is a myth and what is not awesome, which is fun.

And that'll that'll keep it yeah, very entertaining.

Well, and you've shown the vampires in the drawer too, you

know, you brought them first thing, you know, and and then

you kind of like, Ah, ha, they're not real, you know. But

then he mentioned on the back cover. Yeah, yeah. And if you

pay attention to the back cover, yeah. You know, they're covered.

But anyway, that's, that's where I think he did a good job of

honoring the conventions and expectations. I am thrilled by

the promise of great things to come. So that's right on. Cool.

Okay, so the stakes death is on the line. And this is what I

tell all of my writers is that there's several kinds of death.

There's emotional death, spiritual death, social death,

political death, and physical death. And I think there's three

that are distinct possibility, obviously, the social death.

He's already in the bottom run. So you know, what's, what's

there? Well, I'm, you know, there may still be room for him

to fall farther. Palmer already feels like an outcast. And then

Taylor leads a chat about his loser status. Wow, great.

Emotional, they have to be on the line, if something happens

to tinker. And already he's he's ailing. In a way he's kind of

sick, because I don't know what happened. And then Is she alive

or dead. And something has gone on with his mom, that has deeply

wounded him. So there, he's got a wound he's carrying around.

And then physical death seems like they think possibility to I

mean, they're on a spaceship headed to a planet that is yours

from Earth. You know, what could possibly go wrong there. So

you've set the stakes pretty high, and then when his knife

gets taken away there, at the very end, you've raised the

stakes at the very end of the chapter. So I think that's very,

very well done. Okay, then conflict, the shadow things to

come. So that's all you have to do is kind of hint, or give us a

clue that there's more conflict that's going to come down the

pike, the protagonist must make a choice. And whatever choice

they make has associated risks and consequences. He chooses to

give the knife away, because he's trying to stay in his

brother's good graces. You know, they just had this discussion,

and then Tinker is the one is the reason he gives up the

knife. So that's going to have some consequences down the line.

So I see almost every kind of face of conflict there is

already kind of happening here. Palmer kind of hates himself,

and has trouble controlling his anger issue. So he's got an

inner struggle going on there. Character versus self. Character

versus character, paler. Oh, my gosh. And also maybe the said,

Whatever his face is the security guy. There's also some

conflict there already. He from the moment they met. It's been

bad. Probably because he assumes that there's so ways, which is a

great touch, by the way. They don't know how they got there.

And he suspects that they were, you know, they're there. They've

they've lied to him. Yeah, yeah. Character versus society, the

poor versus the rich. We did skip over that section. I think

you did a good job of him reflecting on what he knows what

he thinks he knows about how things are working out.

Character versus nature, spaces of vacuum, what could go wrong?

Just saying character versus technology could be character

versus supernatural. I think that's there's a promise there.

Possibly because I think I believe the knife has some kind

of magical power. That's, you know, as a first time reader,

that's what I'm thinking And then character versus state,

there's a prophecy. So of course, he's gonna have you

know, the struggle against his fate, right? Yeah, yeah. So

you've kind of hit all of the hit all of this. And usually you

don't even have to hit more than maybe two. It's almost always

character versus self, you get the inner inner struggle, but

then you've got one or maybe two of the others, but you've

managed to immerse yourself in an environment where the

possibilities are pretty endless. For conflict. So

good deal, okay.

Choice, it comes down to the conflict in the first

chapter forces protagonist to make a difficult choice. And he

didn't, you don't feel like he has a choice. But he could have

chosen to just refuse to give up the knife and have a struggle, a

physical struggle with the security guard, and who knows

what could have gone wrong. But he made a difficult choice, and

he gave up the knife. So I think that that's a pretty good thing

he did have, the consequences are not not necessarily very

obvious what's going to happen, but then it's at the end of the

chapter. And that makes it a good jumping off place, you've

already shown some consequences. And that's kind of the next

thing is conflict always demands choice. And choice leads to

consequences. That's kind of the rule. So I'm gonna put it right

here, because, you know, it could be higher. You know, you

haven't put him on Mars with being stabbed through the site

spaceship with an antenna. So but you've done really well. So

he did have some, some consequences already. And that's

the next thing is he had some consequences, where he had to go

on. I don't think the birthday cake was meant to be a

punishment, it was just his turn. But then he had to go on

deep clean. So that was a consequence of what he did to

the cake. Yeah, yeah. I love the idea of the characterization of

blue where he flips the coin. Like it's the coins decision.

Explanation there, it made me laugh, but no major consequences

have happened yet except the loss of the knife. But we can be

sure that more consequences are on the way and there's going to

be a ripple effect. So So when I'm looking at the first

chapter, it's a strong first chapter, there's just you know,

a couple of things just a couple that you need to tweak and then

it does need to go through a copy edit or somebody's looking

at your commas you know, where you start and stop sentences but

but really, I think part of him is his run on sentences. That's

the way he thinks so some of that needs to stay and hope

hopefully you know, an editor an agent can see that that's that's

part of his voice. So the first chapter ends with compelling an

answer questions check the stakes get raised check and

something unexpected happens he loses the knife check that late

that raises more questions. So Palmer is going to meet the

captain the next day what will happen? Will it get the knife

back? Good Ending? So well done? Um, do you have any questions

about this or about anything else that you you have questions

about your first chapter?

Yeah, I've good I've gone back and forth on

like, I what I I've been writing like almost like I've split up

the writing scenes is how I generally write it. And

originally I had you know, I've kind of gone back and forth we

do i do like shorter chapters. We're like that first chapter

would almost be from the start to where Lou syndrome tells them

to where you finished reading where he would face a cruel

mistress, but I gave up hope long ago like that. That would

be like kind of like one chapter that will be kind of shorter.

I wondered about those breaks. I was wondering if

you're doing seeing breaks, I thought that will seem break.

It's unnecessary. It is a long chapter. I think I didn't really

but honestly, I didn't see

let's see where that where that puts us. I'm just gonna do a

quick rundown here today.

cuz I've kind of gone back and forth. There's

this is my theory on this, this is kind of like, people were

like, I don't have time to watch a movie on Netflix that then you

end up watching like a show like over and over again because you

like can consume little bits. And I feel like sometimes people

will like, they may not read the whole chapter. But if a chapter

is shorter, they'll continue to read and they'll get what I want

is like people to get hooked to keep on reading.

Let's try my right now. I agree with you. Um, maybe

a good place to stop if you wanted to cut the scene or chop

with Gomez. And he gets a faceful of cake. And then

Gomez's eyes glow white and his body hangs like a puppet at

rest. His head flops up and he grabs me by the shoulders.

Beware. He says in a raspy voice. You know, like I've never

heard they're coming. They're coming for you. He squeezes and

gets an inch away from my face. Your knife will save your life.

You could cut it right there. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that's a

good cliffhanger. Because what on earth and then come right

into the next chapter. Make sure that he looks at Gomez. But he

stares at Gomez and then Gomez. You know, what did he say? And,

and you'll have to, again set the scene. Yeah, I mean, just

because people do put down books. I don't think they're

gonna, that's a great cliffhanger. But you need to do

it anyway. Because somebody might have promised to put it

down. You need to remind them where they are. But have him

maybe refresh my knife will save my life. You know, and he's

looking at Gomez, we're still in the kitchen. And then. And then

GM is like, Hey, you want that last piece of frosting?

Yeah.

It's cracked me up. And then he says, you sound like

Lou. And he says, I'm out of here, you know, and you go on

from there. through to the end of where you ended, that will

work too. It's really gonna be kind of up to you. I think it's

a very strong first chapter as it is. But if you wanted to end

it sooner than that would be where I would say, maybe you

could end it because that's a great cliffhanger. Nobody's

gonna put it down. Not willingly. Not willingly. So

yeah, like I said, I think you it's definitely in need of an

edit, I can tell you right in the middle of you know, getting

it getting it done. And so that's fine. I am going to send

you my notes. I'm going to send you the rubric. I'm going to

send you one with the track changes on and it's not an edit

it's just some side notes here and they're the thoughts I had

as I was running through it, you know, in preparation for our

cup. Thank you so much for being here with me today. Is there

someplace people can find you on social media or do you have a

website they can look at or anything like that yet?

No, yeah, I need to get that's one of the things

I like it's on my to do list is I was gonna start a Twitter

account. And I mean, I'm on Instagram, but I'm not very

active. But that that's, that's like, my next one of my next

steps is

like Yeah, yeah. One of those things you can really

like, go on and get started. I was gonna say that you if you

decide to go the indie route, and I know you're planning on

doing the whole query thing, but if you decide to go the indie

route, you have a great idea. You have a great way to have a

reader magnet, which would be how what happens at Home show

them at home. The lousy conditions, Mom's gone. Also

left me with this crummy knife. And, and man who's crusty, old

lady, and then somehow know that they know this whole thing is

going on with the celebration. People are leaving Earth on Elon

Musk's starships that's a joke, Elon. Anyway, I'm watching. So,

they're already planning ahead. They're already complete. So,

um, and then they wake up on the ship. Cut. Somebody says How did

you get here? They have no idea, you know. And that would be your

your reader magnet. It's been, it's almost already written for

you. Because you know what needs to happen in that pre cool kind

of, and it can be like, it could be almost this long, or maybe

7000 words or something, but it wouldn't have to be much longer

than this. You know, you're just setting up the the normal world

just showing them before before they became

ship dwellers. Yeah.

So, yeah, great. Any other questions?

I'll think about it like, well, I'll get off with

you. And then like five minutes.

Just send me a note. That's fine. That's fine. And I

will send you this stuff. And I just want to thank you so much

for being my guest. And I look forward to reading this book

when it comes out however long it takes, because it's gonna be

it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be fun. All right. Well, I will

talk to you later then. Thanks.

Alright, thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Thank you for joining us today. If you enjoyed this

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